I have heard the lists starting around me
the 'I will lose weight, stop smoking, learn french
run a marathon, start obeying speed limits'
(ok. I've never heard someone say they want to
drive slower except my dad, but you get the point)
I found myself a few nights ago sleepless
and filled with a sense of anxiety over how this
new year is going to look. How is the birth of my new
baby going to go? How much time should I take off?
How will June do with another little person taking
all my time? Will my music career sink into the depths of despair?
How am I going to pay off loans? What if I died tomorrow?
I need to be writing more songs. How should I fund my next
album? How can I be a better mother or friend or wife....
Pretty much a non-stop mental chatter of concerns
that I could hardly control or figure out at 2am.
When I was pregnant with June I went to a birthing
class led by a wonderful mid-wife from South Africa.
She introduced the idea of creating a 'birth plan' that consisted
of what I wanted the birth to look like and a set of
instructions or intentions for those around me to help
me meet that ideal. Now, she also said that no matter what, it is most
important to be flexible with your ideas of birth because most
likely it will not all go as planned. That was true. My experience
birthing June was nothing like I planned or wanted.
But as I have been thinking on how I would
like this next birth to go, my previous lengthy list has distilled
to one thing:
I want to be present.
Forgive my pregnancy analogies, but when I could not sleep
the other night due to mounting anxieties, I had the thought
come to me that I just needed to 'be still, be present' this year and it would
all be ok. My birthing intention could extend for the whole year.
It won't look exactly how I plan or want all the time, but if I am
present in the moment and open to the beauty around me it will
be more than alright. I spent my New Years Eve in Zion. It was quiet
and beautiful and still. So I think I am on the right track, at least
2 days into 2012.
Anyone who knows me, knows that one of my favorite
songwriters is Patty Griffin. Her song "Nobody's
Crying" seems to have hit a chord in my heart thinking of
all these things... Enjoy. Happy New Year Friends, know
that I wish you well....
xo
sarah
"...But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off those gates of hell
And I can tell how hard you're trying
And just have our secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There'll be an endless rope
And nobody's crying
May you dream you are sleepin', in a warm soft bed
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Turn the sound of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head"
