Sunday, April 18, 2010

flash before my eyes


I know this may sound strange
but I have been having
flashes of my life come to me
for about a week now.

It started after a concert I played
in Logan last weekend. I had the 90
minute drive back to my mom's house
and I was listening to an old
Indigo Girls mixed CD I had
found in a box. Considering
that I grew up loving the music
they made I just smiled
thinking about singing "Mystery"
in the car with
my best friend Sarah
as we crushed on boys and
dreamed of them falling for us.
Then "Ghost" came on and
I found myself smiling thinking
about myself in 8th grade,
trying to learn the chords
so I could play that song myself.
My friend Trevor played
a mean guitar solo and I would
play him the progress
I made over the phone.
so funny.

One memory led to another.
Ballet classes, toe shoes,
learning to make friendship bracelets,
skipping dance classes to go to Butterfly Beach,
sleep overs and braiding hair, singing 'Galileo'
with my cousins- the windows
down on the way to the Guadelupe river,
listening to my dad's records,
spending so much money at some
lame game at the fair when
I was in first grade so I could just win the
Randy Travis Mirror. ha. I just
realized what a delightful
childhood I had growing up in Santa
Barbara. I had the best friends who had
the best families...who all took me
in over and over.

As the week has gone on
I've had memories flash
in my mind of college; of playing
my first big theater shows that
I would work for months to promote,
building A frames, and flyering
every dorm room in site. Remembering
the first time I played with a band.
It is funny, but still, every time
I bring a new song to rehearsal, when Dylan
and Ryan start playing I just feel
my heart swell up so big. To write a song
and then have other players flesh it out
still feels new somehow.

I've had thoughts of when
I first started falling for my husband
James. He made me a mixed tape after
our first date that had Neil Young, Pearl Jam,
and Spearhead. He was an amazing Rock Climber,
and although I had some friends warn
'don't ever go for the rock climbers'
I went for him and never have looked
back. We have been married for seven
sweet years. Lived in 5 states, soon to be 6.
I've thought about how lucky I
am to have a husband believe in
my abilities and tell me
to go for what is in my heart.
He cheerleads me on in music
and I know this gift is one
of the greatest I will ever have.

Of course my thoughts fall often this
week on my sweet daughter.
She is so tender and I love
exploring the world at her side.
To be honest, I was really afraid
when I found out I was pregnant.
That statement may sound ridiculous,
but I was. Now when I get to
hold her hand, watch her chase
the neighborhood cat, and
hold her close while we
sing each night before bed...
I know this is the best stuff on earth.

It is funny, but I thought I might
die the night I started
watching my life on review.
Isn't that what people say "my life
flashed before my eyes."
Obviously still here,
but I am so grateful for the space
this week that has allowed
this to happen.
And honestly, maybe the
gift has been to just see it
all in perspective..
Slow down and really live
in the moment.
And make the choice to be happy now, instead of waiting for _____.

xo
s


2 comments:

  1. I started singing James Taylor "Close Your Eyes" to Allegra at lullaby time lately ... every time I think of one time in the car outside Baskin Robbins when you told me how you figure out harmonies by singing parts of the chord. I loved singing harmonies with you then, and I love creating musical memories with our daughters now.

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